I have just started blogging and have been reading a few posts this evening. The ones that I can relate to most are the stories about anxiety. It created the urge and I got the nerve to touch on the subject. As far back as I can remember I have had anxiety just walking out the front door, meeting new people, doing something new. I can remember events as far back as age three and even to birth under hypnotherapy. A quick word of advice about hypnotherapy. I believe it can do a world of good if your therapist is fully trained, licensed and experienced. My Therapist who was actually my family physician was learning to do hypnosis. I thought it would be interesting to try to quit smoking under hypnosis.
The sessions began to quit smoking but ended up being about my anxiety. I wanted to become less anxious meeting people, conversing and just socializing in general. Big mistake. Oh it works! It does help you uncover things you never knew but if the Doctor doesn’t know what he is doing and doesn’t know how to help you deal with it because he is just learning it could very well be fatal. Over the next two years my life was a living hell. I suddenly had a chemical imbalance in my brain and I know the exact moment I felt “different.” Very, very different.
By the time I was three I was more than just a shy child. I was afraid of everything. I continued to be afraid and anxious throughout my high school years and in to my twenties. Now I was pushing 30 and wanted so badly to be rid of it I let my Doctor perform hypnosis on me. Immediately after the last session (there were only three) I woke up pretty much curled up in a ball crying and full of anxiety. He did nothing or said nothing to prepare me for the hell that would follow. That evening was the most frightening night of My life. It was worse than any anxiety I had every felt. I didn’t know if I would live through the night. It was way beyond my normal, anxious self.
It was unbearable and at times I could not tell the difference between what was a real life experience and what was playing out in my mind. I only started recovering because I met the most understanding man in the world who would later become my husband and because I went back to the Doctor. I had been going through this hell for about a year, I just wanted it to be over and asked him to commit me to a psych ward or help me get better. He finally sent me to a Psychiatrist and she immediately took blood tests and put me on medication to correct the chemical imbalance in my brain. If you decide to do hypnotherapy for anything please make sure you check out that he or she is fully qualified, not just using you for a practise session!
It took another year to get my brain acting the way it should, back to my “normal” anxious self. The medication did not take away my anxiety but it did take away suicidal tendencies and uncontrollable urges. It gave me back the ability to tell what was real and what was not. My family didn’t know about any of this. I was afraid they would disown me. It took another 15 years before I would even admit to anyone that I was on medication for anxiety, depression etc. for life, except my husband and I still don’t tell too many people. This is a big leap for me, but this blog is somewhat anonymous. I doubt they will read it. I don’t think it matters now if they do.
Here it is 25 years or more later, still on medication, still anxious but okay. Not cured but can socialize. Eventually I might be able to talk about those two years of hell as well as my younger years of what started it all with someone other than my husband. Some day I might be as brave as the other folks that are blogging about their anxiety experiences.
I’m Frazzled Again!