Anxiety, Depression and Chemical Imbalance are all different to one another
I have had anxiety all of my life. From as far back as I can remember, I was afraid of everything. I would not put my hand up in class to ask permission to go to the bathroom. That would bring way too much attention to me. I couldn’t stand it when people looked at me. Just the thought of putting my hand up made me feel like the room was spinning, it was someone else sitting there not me, I was frozen. Not only the thought of putting my hand up but also having to walk out of the classroom in front of everyone, and all staring at me. I felt shamed, embarrassed and somehow a bad girl because I had to go to the bathroom.
So what happens when a child is too scared to ask to go to the bathroom? You don’t ask, you just sit there, hoping class will be over and then you can go home. You hope you can hold it for that long. So what happens when you can’t hold it any longer? Of course, you pee your pants! Which is worse? To walk out in front of everyone to go to the bathroom or; to sit and pee your pants, then walk out in front of everyone to go to the bathroom? You would think the first idea would have been easier, but to me it wouldn’t have mattered which way I chose it would be equally as crippling.
Obviously if I am talking about a classroom, I have been potty trained, I knew how to go on a toilet, but why couldn’t I go? Not only was I old enough to be potty trained. I was in Grade Three. How the hell does this happen. This is anxiety. You know how you feel as an adult when your head spins, so imagine a little eight year old girl. It was like black and white big, fuzzy dots in front of me, didn’t matter where I looked I could only see fuzzy things. I put my head down in shame and walked to the bathroom. No one takes an extra dress to school with them so I had nothing to change in to. I really can’t remember going to the actual bathroom but I remember going back in the class room, dress all wet, everyone staring. The Teacher came over to me and suggested I go home. The Principal called my mom to let her know I was coming home. Dear ole mom, boy she was disgusted with me. There was no compassion, just anger. “What did you do? Why didn’t you go to the bathroom? Everyone’s laughing at you! What did you do that for?”
For me, depression did not happen during grade school years. High school is where that began. I guess by that time I realized I would never have a boyfriend, I didn’t have any real friends, just a couple of neighbours I sometimes walked to school with. Most of the time I walked by myself. From the time I hit puberty, which was when I was 13, I would sweat anytime I walked out the front door. My body, my mind was in a constant state of “the walking dead” maybe. Again it was a feeling like it wasn’t me, it was somebody else, my body was tense the whole time until I got home from school at night again. I didn’t socialize. Still this was just anxiety. The depression came on in high school because the boys were starting to tease me. “You’re a virgin!” they’d laugh. “You can’t come to the party because you are a virgin! Do you have any friends? No, you don’t have any friends.”
I never experienced the bullying even though I was different from everyone else. I think that was because I had the toughest guy in school for a brother. Yes even in grade school and middle school. He was always the toughest guy. Then I had to go to a different high school than he went to, so the bullying began. Depression sets in because you can see no way out, no way this hell is ever going to end. I probably would have been suicidal but I was afraid of everything, even afraid of dying. That’s the only reason I lived through those years. I thought of ways I could do it, but I couldn’t do it. I quit school in grade 10. I had brains but I could not pass a lot of subjects because I could not focus on anything. I could read the same sentence over and over and not know what it said. Exams were hell. I think maybe I was ADHD and still am actually even though I’ve not been diagnosed with it. I’ve never mentioned it, it was the least of my problems. I got kicked out of one class because the teacher told the whole class while I was sitting there, “I have only one student in both of my classes that didn’t prepare for this project.” He was standing beside me when he said it, he looked at me and I started crying because of course, I was embarrassed and ashamed but the project involved standing up in front of the class and doing a presentation. I just got up and went to the Principals office crying, and told him I would not go back to that class.
Eventually, after I left high school I did have a couple of boyfriends. No relationship was successful until I was 23. That is when I got married. The marriage lasted four years and I couldn’t stand it anymore. (This is the short version) I did not realize at the time there was a name for what I had. Depression. I did know there was help for depression, even if I did I would have been too embarrassed to ask.
After the failed marriage ended I got a new job. I wanted to change everything, where I lived, where I worked. I won’t get in to it here but the job I got was a bad place to be when I had my mental breakdown. I was supervising a fair amount of people and there is no way I should have been.
The break down happened at the exact time I was starting to do hypnotherapy. Hypnosis would change my life forever. We uncovered shit I don’t think I needed to know and still haven’t figured it all out. After the third session when I awoke curled up in a ball and crying I went home and suddenly I had psychosis, reality issues, anger, suicidal tendencies. I mean real suicidal issues. I would be driving and just feel like something was taking over my mind and car and I was just going to drive off the road and kill myself. I had no idea what was happening, why. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It wasn’t me, it was a whole other person. Losing control of myself, emotions. I didn’t know if It was safe for me to be around anyone, didn’t know what I might do. It was the beginning of living between hell on earth and hell. There was no earth. This was the beginning of the Chemical Imbalance I would have for the rest of my life!
Sometime when all this was going on I met a guy who for the first time in my life, helped me realize that I was worthy of being loved. He couldn’t cure my chemical imbalance, I still have that, but with his love, compassion and understanding and my medication I am doing fine.
Thank you for lending a shoulder,
I’m Frazzled Again.