Ah, if silence was golden how rich we would be, but it isn’t! I do love my quiet, alone time, most of the time. This particular event was not one of those times.
Everyone loves going to a Christmas concert, or show that is put on by the school, or church. Most kids look forward to being part of the show. For some odd reason, I was really looking forward to being part of the Christmas story for our church. Usually I would be scared to death at the thought of doing anything in front of anyone.
I think I was 12 at the time. I was chosen to be an angel in a Christmas play. It was the first time ever I had been chosen for anything. I was always overlooked and I liked it that way. This time I was so excited. I had never been in front of an audience before by myself or with anyone else. I had eight bible verses to learn. I worked at remembering those verses so hard. First thing in the morning, then as soon as I got home from school. I can’t remember ever being excited about anything like this before.
I got all dressed up in my angel costume, beautiful big fuzzy wings. I felt so special! It was almost my turn to walk up the stairs and go on stage. We didn’t even have a rehearsal now that I think of it. It was not held at the church, it was a huge auditorium. I started sweating profusely and got real anxious all of a sudden. I don’t know what brought it on.
So, here I go…. Oh…My…Gosh…. The auditorium was full of people…staring at me… expecting me to deliver my part. All of a sudden I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. All I could get out was…
Acts 2:38 Then Peter said unto them
My mind went blank, my head went fuzzy. Those people in the audience turned in to fuzzy, grey blobs and each blob had two white eyeballs. The whole audience looked like that to me. The auditorium and those blobs were spinning around in circles in front of me. I could not speak another word. I stood there, frozen, really frozen. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak. It could have been five seconds, 10 seconds, 10 minutes. When a person is in that kind of state there is no sense of time.
Finally, I could hear words coming from the stairway, trying to get my attention. I made myself turn to look to see who was calling me, then I couldn’t turn back to the blobs. I just started crying and walked off. What the hell happened? I knew those verses backwards and forwards! I was so angry with myself, so embarrassed. Then I saw my dad standing there. I expected him to be angry but he wasn’t. He was red-faced, I think he was embarrassed for me. I don’t know what look my mom had on her face, she was one of the blobs in the audience. I could picture her though, saying, “Oh my gosh, I thought she had them memorized. What is the matter with her! Why didn’t she do her homework?” She would have said this to whoever was sitting next to her because she would have been sitting next to someone from the church who knew I was her child. No way around it. I know she was embarrassed, ashamed.
I don’t think anything more was said about the event when I got home, at least I don’t remember. Believe it or not, even after that event, years later, in my thirties I would get up in front of an audience again. I was drunk when I went up on stage this time. As soon as I got up on the stage, it was as though I had nothing to drink. I was frozen again for a few seconds. I managed to get a song out but it was like an out-of-body experience again, like I was looking at someone else there, so pathetic looking, scared, ugly. Even after THAT experience, I would try again, and again, and again. I didn’t give up. I never got good at it but I never gave up and I didn’t die from trying although sometimes I thought I might!
Never give up,
I’m Frazzled Again