After all the negative things I have posted about, I am going to permit myself to brag a little about my husband. He is not perfect, but close. We have been married for 25 years. Like in every marriage there are ups and downs but I consider it bliss in this day and age to make it 25 years and still be happy.
Things have changed since we first got married, as life would have it. I am amazed that he has stayed with me this long considering all my insecurities, anxieties, physical ailments.. Doesn’t it make a person wonder why a second marriage works and the first one didn’t? There are many reasons for that. Here are just a few things that are different from the first one…
- I feel good, when I am around him. I never feel ugly around him.
- He always finds something positive to say, even in bad situations.
- He respects me.
- My opinion is just as important as his.
- He understands me, accepts me even with my mental health issues.
- He is funny, loving, comforting. He is always genuinely concerned about me.
- His lifestyle fits mine, we met dancing.
- We got married because we “love” each other.
- We discussed our expectations of marriage and life together BEFORE we got married
- I didn’t try to change him after we got married.
The above statements are just a few of the reasons why it worked from the beginning. The are many reasons why the first marriage didn’t work. Here are just a few of those…
First Marriage – Fail!
- I felt anxious when I was around him. He never had anything good to say.
- We did not respect each other.
- I was very insecure, even before I met him, he just didn’t help matters.
- His friends didn’t like me. Was this in my mind? I don’t know. I don’t think so.
- He smoked pot which I didn’t agree with at the time and all his friends did too. I was nervous around drugs. These days I don’t care who does it, but my husband doesn’t. Yay.
- He abused me emotionally, not intentionally though and I abused him emotionally as well, again not intentionally. We didn’t know how to be nice to one another.
- Both of us grew up in a negative atmosphere, we learned our insecurities early.
- I was ridiculously jealous, with no reason. It was my lack of self-esteem.
- I didn’t trust him when he was out of my sight.
- His parents loved me, but didn’t really like him, they loved him but they didn’t really like him.
After reading all about my failed marriage, you might wonder why the heck we got married. Well, I didn’t know that I could feel different. I had always been anxious, didn’t realize I felt even worse when I was around him. Neither one of us had a lot of other partners. I think we both felt like, okay if someone wants to marry me I will get married. I don’t think either one of us knew that we deserved better than each other. There was nothing wrong with him, we should never have married in the first place. If a couple disrespect each other before marriage, it isn’t going to change after. If you think you can change a person after you are married, think again. Don’t marry because you think you can make things better once you are married.
I think the main reason I married him was because he played music. I had always wanted to sing, I got to go out to watch him play. I thought maybe someday I would get the courage to get up there and sing. Wrong! He did not want me up there, he did not encourage me to sing. He never told me I was any good at it. In fact, his brother said to me, “You have a squeaky voice.” I never sang again for another ten years. After they were out of my life and the second husband was in.
I am very fortunate to have what I have, despite all of my own physical and emotional ailments. I know that. I have learned to appreciate what I have. Sometimes I forget and the negativity and verbal abuse pops up, he quickly puts me in my place reminding me that I can’t talk to him like that. Above all, he is understanding. We both forget how emotionally unstable I once was, it does show its ugly head once in a while, but he never gets upset. He remains calm and he knows how to calm me down. Of course we argue. Of course there are times we are angry with each other, we’ve gone through a lot of financial downturns and upturns, but we get through it. If we lost everything we own material wise I am pretty sure we would still make it together. I would never say I don’t think we would never split up, or 100% think he would never meet anyone else. I like to keep it at about, I don’t know maybe 95%. That way, I always remind myself, if I don’t treat him right there is someone around the corner who will appreciate him. I don’t let it hang over my head. I just use it to keep me treating him like he should be treated.
There is always hope folks, even after despair and failed marriages. I hope this one never fails, but there is always the possibility of it ending. What is that saying? “Nothing is for sure, except death and taxes.”
Well until next time, I shall blissfully….go for a nap lol!
I’m Frazzled Again.