There are a number of times during my childhood, I tried to scream and nothing would come out. I tried calling out for help but nothing, I just froze. It makes me wonder if someone threatened my life at some point and I’ve blocked it from my mind.
One time when I was three years old, I’m not really sure what happened, but it felt like someone was trying to smother me. Years later when I was 11 or 12, my cousin took me with her to her boyfriends house. My father would never have let me go if he knew there was going to be a party. To make a long story short, after the party was over, my cousin, her boyfriend and myself, went upstairs to the small apartment. It must have been a bachelor apartment or even a shared apartment with someone else. My cousin and her boyfriend slept on the couch and I had to sleep on the floor.
I do not remember if I was wearing pajamas or sleeping in my clothes, I cannot remember if it was a planned sleepover. As I lay there trying to fall asleep, I heard the boyfriend rustling around, leaning over the edge of the couch to whisper in my ear. “What is worse than a hurricane?” he asked. I was puzzled as to why he would be asking me this, I just said, “I don’t know.” He reached inside my top and grabbed my undeveloped nipple and said, “A tit twister!” He twisted and oh my gosh, it hurt, but I couldn’t scream. I pictured myself calling out for help but in reality nothing came out. My cousin was right beside him. Did she know he was doing this? Was she sleeping already? Would she be mad at me if she knew? What would she think of me? It was my fault, wasn’t it?
“How did you like that?” he asked, “Want another one?” Oh, my gosh! What the heck was happening. I squirmed away from the couch. Surely he wouldn’t get out of bed to come after me with his girlfriend right beside him! I guess I got far enough away that he didn’t do it again, he just laughed. His laugh was paralyzing, mean, monstrous, haunting. I couldn’t imagine why he thought it was funny, why he did that to me.
I was afraid to tell my cousin about what happened. I was even more afraid that she knew and didn’t say anything. I was even MORE afraid that she hated me now. I stayed silent about everything. We left the apartment walking and had to make a stop at some sort of warehouse where this guy’s friend worked. I made sure to walk on the opposite side of my cousin so he could not get near me.
I was so happy to get back to where my parents were. Some summer holiday with family this turned out to be. I couldn’t tell anyone. My mom would have said it was my fault. I wouldn’t dare tell her. If I told my dad I would never be let out of his site again. From time to time I thought that might be a good idea, but I did need to have my space even at that young age. This wasn’t the last time I would find my self “calling out” in silence for help. To this day, I do not think I can scream. I have tried when I am by myself when I think about this stuff, but I have never been able to actually scream. I can holler loud like saying, “aaaaaaaaaaaah!” but I don’t know if I could even do that in an emergency.
I hope I never have to find out if I can make noise to protect myself. I hope those days are behind me. Some day I might remember why I cannot make a sound when I am scared.
I’m Frazzled Again.