Every once in a while old memories would pop up out of the blue. Most of it happened when I was in my 30’s. There were “incidents” I couldn’t figure out, what I was remembering.
About ten years ago I asked my mother if she had every left me alone with anyone, did anyone ever babysit me, and if we ever lived with anyone else. She said that we lived upstairs, above her mom and dad for a while. Then she quickly asked, “Why, did someone do something to you?” I immediately got the sense that she knew someone had tried to hurt me but she denied leaving me alone with anyone. No one ever babysat me. The only thing left then was living above my grandparents. She said she never left me alone with anyone. I could feel it though, something was off in her voice. I wondered if she too had been “hurt” when she was a child. She wasn’t admitting to anything so I dropped the subject, but I didn’t forget about it that is for sure.
Years later, like this year, 2017, I went home for a visit. Dad was gone now for many years so it was just her and I sitting having a conversation. My sister’s name came up and my mom was upset that my sister had said my mom’s dad had touched her. My mother of course, did not believe her, or refused to believe. “How could this happen in a car?” she asked me. “We never left her alone with anyone in a car. She said she was in the back seat with dad. It couldn’t have happened.”
My mother is 84 years old. She doesn’t “remember” a lot of what happened. There are quite a few things that happened to me when I was a child, but I knew better than to tell her because she would not have believed me. Anyway, as mom was telling me about this, I reminded her that something had happened to me. For whatever reason, she decided this was the time to admit that she knew. She told me she knew that something was happening because she would hear me coming up the back stairs!!!???!!! That really took me for a loop. The only thing I could think to say without getting her too upset was, “You knew something was happening? Why did you not say anything, do anything? Did he do something to you too?” She admitted that he had tried to do something to her when she was a kid but she wouldn’t let him. And of course she never told anyone. I do not believe for a minute that she didn’t let him do anything. She wouldn’t have had a choice.
Her whole negative attitude / personality started to make sense now. “Why didn’t you say anything mom?” “Well,” she said, “I didn’t want anyone to know what kind of man he was. Would you want anyone to know if it was your dad?” I could see she was getting upset, embarrassed and angry. I did not want to upset her at this point, not at 84 years of age. I did tell her that I thought he tried to smother me but I wasn’t sure. She didn’t say anything. That was pretty much the end of the conversation, but it left me feeling very angry, I tried to put myself in her shoes. I guess I was doing the same thing, not telling anyone, but she could have stopped it from continuing if she knew it was happening. I couldn’t help but wonder how many times did she just let me be sexually molested!
I never knew my sister had been touched inappropriately either. It never came up in the conversation. She was four years younger than me. I have no idea when it happened. I don’t want to ask her right now while mom is still alive. My sister would probably get mad at my mother for telling me, then my mother would get mad at me. No, I’ve decided that none of this is necessary to bring up now. My perverted grandfather is long gone and my mother is getting dementia. This is why my blog is anonymous for now.
The new information does eat away at me though, but she can’t add anything to it. She was not in the room when “it” happened so I’m just working through it on my own. I may never remember what happened and whether it happened more than once. It is just something I’ll have to live with, I have a cold-hearted mother and I had a perverted grandfather, also a perverted uncle, cousin, friend of a cousin and so on.
Protect your kids people!
I’m Frazzled again.