An Old Journal Evoked Harsh Emotions

https://rantandreason.com/2018/01/12/an-old-journal-evoked-harsh-emotions/

via Daily Prompt: Evoke

I have been blogging for one and a half months now.  I never thought I would ever have the courage to put my thoughts on paper and let the world read it.  It is such a great release of emotion.  I am getting addicted to writing, something I now wish I had done all my life.

A number of years ago, probably 25 years ago, I started to journal my feelings about past whenever they came up.  One of those feelings came up when I started thinking about the last job I had, I mean before I became self-employed and so the journaling began.  My previous employment was  during the time I had my mental breakdown.  There were counsellors on staff, I was a supervisor.  My mood changed, my personality changed and I continued to work there for at least another year while I was broken.

The counsellors were not really counsellors.  They were more like information takers.  Otherwise they might have noticed I had gone a bit haywire.  Not a bit haywire, that is a big understatement.

I started journaling my thoughts about this, how I felt when I left the job when no one even said good-bye.  I probably wrote about 20 pages and put the book away, never to write in it again.  When we moved to a new house about 10 years later, I unpacked this box to find the journal.  I started reading it.  As I was reading, my brain was refusing to believe I felt this bad when I left that job.  I couldn’t remember writing those words.  I didn’t remember feeling that worthless.  It evoked such an overwhelming feeling of despair, liked by no-one, useless, shame, embarrassed about who I was.  I guess I blocked those memories out and never thought anymore about it until I found the journal.  25 years ago is when I left the job, got married and moved away.  My healing only began after moving away from family and everything I knew.

I had forgotten how extremely depressed, chemically imbalanced, anxious I was.  My personality had changed so much during that time it still shocks me that the Director at least did not call me in to figure out what was going on.

I couldn’t even finish reading the journal.  I hadn’t felt this emotion since I wrote it.  I didn’t want anyone to ever find this journal so I threw it in the wood stove.  I could not deal with the anxiety it brought on.  I would be horrified if anyone ever found it.

Oddly enough, now I wish I had kept that journal.  Now that I am writing, I want to know what was in that note-book.  I can’t remember what it said, I can only remember how I felt when I found it.  I do remember feeling ashamed of who I was because no one bothered to say good-bye.  That is all I can remember.  I wish I had written my whole life.  It makes me wonder just how many events I have blocked.

Life is amazing isn’t it?  Or should I say, our brains are amazing.  They block us from remembering things it thinks we should not remember.

I’m writing now, I can’t get enough of it.

I’m Frazzled Again

photo from Pixar.com

 

4 thoughts on “An Old Journal Evoked Harsh Emotions

Add yours

  1. Sorry you had such a tough time.. I think it also helps to remember that the mind heals in its own way and you have now replaced all that unhappiness and depression with a much happier life. We all have things in our past which as writers we can draw on for emotional context in our writing but it is important to remember that we cannot change the past only the present and the future. You are clearly a strong person and different to who you were 25 years ago.. keep writing. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, yes I am a totally different person. I was having a mental breakdown for about a year before I had the nerve to see a psychiatrist. My personality changed so much during that time, thats why I don’t understand how the cousellors there did not see it. Once I got on medication it was a lot different. Thank you, It’s the whole stigma surrounding mental illness.

      Liked by 1 person

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