When your partner says, “It’s my money!”

Today’s daily word prompt, dominant got this issue stuck in my head…When your partner says, “It’s my money!” what to do you?  How does it make you feel?  Why does he or she thinks it belongs to one person?

Thinking back to my younger days, living at home with a whole pile of siblings, my mother was a stay at home housewife.  There was no way she could go outside of the home and work, then come home, do laundry, cooking, dishes, all the other housework.  Dad worked full-time and now that I think of it, all of us kids were pretty useless when it came to household chores.  We got off pretty easy.  The six boys did absolutely nothing, not even take out the garbage.  I was the oldest girl so I got stuck doing some of the cooking, vacuuming, dishes.  I still got off easy.  My mom did almost all of the housework.

Anytime my mom wanted to buy something or do something my dad would give her the money.  There was never a problem with that.  He loved her so much and loved us kids too.  He rarely took money for himself unless it was to buy work clothes.  Mom never, ever did the banking, or write cheques.  Not that she wasn’t permitted too.  She didn’t have too.  Dad took care of all of it.  If she had ever wanted to do the banking, she never said anything, so it wasn’t a matter of disrespect.  There wasn’t a lot of money to go around but he would give her money to go to bingo even if he had to go in to a line of credit.  He knew she worked hard at home and deserved whatever she wanted.

To the opposite end of the spectrum, I have a friend who is a stay at home housewife.  She does do a little home sales job part-time but her husband is the bread winner.  He never lets her forget that.  The only money she gets to spend is her own sales money, which has to be pretty minimal.  He, in the meantime has money coming out of his ears.  He donates weekly cheques to organizations, he always has beer in the house and is drunk most of the time.  He will not give her money to go shopping for clothes, go for coffees, lunch.  He literally says it is his money.  They have been married for over thirty years.  She has lived like this for that long.  They have children who are grown and out of the house.  He will not buy them Christmas gifts, or birthday gifts.  She does that with her own money.  She cooks every meal for him, does his laundry, does all of the housework.  He does not lift a finger, except to do the odd maintenance job around the house when it is desperately needed.  If he doesn’t do it, she says she will call an electrician or whoever to do the job and will write a check from their joint account.  Only then does he get off his ass and do the job.  She feels worthless.

This is equivalent to emotional abuse in my opinion.  Does anyone else agree with me?  I can’t imagine living with that for so many years.  She doesn’t want to be by herself.  I have to ask myself if I would do the same thing.  I’m sure the answer would be no.

My husband is the bread winner in our family.  Many times he has to make up for my loss of income from my store, that is why I am finally giving it up.  Because of my business losses over the years, we have not saved for retirement.  Now, he is not perfect.  He does remind me, more often than I like that I have stuff sitting around that is not making money and tells me I should just get rid of it.  Who in their right mind would give away stuff that is worth money, when they have lost just about everything they have worked for?  I have to find a way to sell off this inventory.  That will come in the spring when I re-open the store and I’ll put everything on 50% off.  By that time, people will be out walking downtown again and I will get traffic in the store.  Hopefully I will get enough money from the stuff to be able to get some hobby projects going at home.  Sometimes I feel emotionally abused because he just wants me to give everything away, but I know he is just so fed up with stuff laying around.   I look like a hoarder, except it isn’t junk.  I suppose all hoarders say that, lol!

I am very thankful I have a 50/50 relationship with hubby.  I wish there was something I could do for my friend, but if she chooses to stay in that relationship no one can help her.  She is so use to the abuse, she doesn’t think she would be able to survive on her own.  That is a shame.  All I can do is be there for her when she comes to my house crying.  This lack of confidence she has, makes her feel jealousy towards those who she thinks have a perfect, or at least a much better lifestyle.  I can hear it in her voice, see it in her face.  She is envious of my home, even though her home is very similar, same area, just not quite as big.  Here’s the thing, her mortgage is paid for, mine is not.  So which situation is better?  To have a smaller house that is paid for, or have a bigger house with a mortgage?  She envy’s me, I envy her.  The grass is always greener on the other side, they say.  I envy her because she is debt free, I don’t envy her marriage.

Do you think there should be counselling for couples before they get married or even move in together just to explain the fact relationships should be 50/50, no matter who the bread winner is?  Money is the cause of most breakups, that or affairs.  Do you think relationships would last longer if couples did this?  In this day and age, I am not sure why couples don’t know this, but the ideas of what marriage is, can be handed down from generations.  The emotional abuse of thinking the spouse isn’t worthy of sharing income is learned, just like physical abuse.

I think if I had a son or daughter getting married, I would have that discussion with them.  I have step-children who are already married.  I was never part of their decision making process so I stayed out of their business.

It is always easy to say what other people should or shouldn’t do, what seems like common sense to us, may not be common sense to them.  Once a person discovers they are in an abusive relationship, whether it is emotional or physical or both, it is hard to get out of it.

Have a great day, everyone.

I’m Frazzled Again.

 

10 thoughts on “When your partner says, “It’s my money!”

Add yours

  1. Every person and relationship is different. Even culture plays a large role in how people handle and split money.
    I have a relative who was a stat at home mom and was given access to all the money just as her husband had. She went out and did some pretty crazy things, took out loans in his name etc. Buying anything just to feel like she had power to spend. It has killed their relationship. So in some instance I can see why one person needs to be in control.
    However, as a stay at home mom (til recent), I know how it feels to feel like you work hard all day and not have any money to contribute to your family. Though, I know my kids are more important than anything else, it doesn’t mean the guilt isn’t there. Sometimes I thought I deserve to go shopping or get my hair done. My husband always tries to give me what I ask for. Othertimes I think I don’t deserve it since I don’t leave the house. It is a back and forth battle in my mind. I don’t think there is one answer that works for everyone.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. In my relationship, I am the major bread winner. But my wife has her own business she runs from our home. I built her a studio in order for her to continue doing what she loves. Her business pays for our vacations and the kids’ activities. My wife also does the majority of the work around our home and takes care of the kids more than I do. I never tell her it’s “my money”. We are a partnership. It bothers me when people ask why “she doesn’t have a job” or that she doesn’t contribute. I find it rude when coworkers try and tell me I’m the one in charge. It’s the wrong attitude to have.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Anyone holding over another that they are the bread winners and do not share, are abusive. Power hungry and controlling. Their “god” is money because deep inside they have nothing. No I would not stay in a relationship like that. Your friend has to decide for herself if she is willing to let go of this abusive way of life. Love is about sharing and not even thinking that’s mine not yours. Marriage comes with it a lot of responsibilities and in order to create order both parties have to learn how to spend wisely and with care. My hubby does the bills and I thank him for it. I used to when he worked but he took over when he retired. He makes sure I have everything I need and always asks me if I need money in my wallet. Never does he complain about my purchases because I do not splurge. Neither does he. Just like your hubby mine is not perfect. Neither am I. But after being married for 34 years now, we are just NOW working together like a well oiled wheel. Yep, true. GREAT post!! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for responding to this. I would not be able to stay in a relationship like that either, maybe my friend is stronger than me, married till death do they part…even if it kills her I guess.

    Like

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