My name was ugly, just like me!

I use to hate my name.  I thought it was an ugly name.  I thought I was ugly too!  I always wanted to change my name to Mary-Jane.  I have no idea why.  Maybe I had met a nice person whose name was Mary-Jane.  Maybe I thought if my name was different, I would be different.  If I had a pretty name, maybe I would be pretty, or maybe I would be a totally different person.

Quite honestly, I think I wanted to be a whole different person.  I never really questioned myself when I was younger as to why I wanted to change my name.  I only knew that I didn’t like it, but now realizing our subconscious minds act in mysterious ways, I’m starting to realize there were most likely the above-mentioned reasons for wanting to change my name.

Even in my adult life, I did not like my name.  When I was in a group and was asked to introduce myself, I dreaded saying my name out loud.  I felt it was an ugly name, and I felt ugly.  Everyone else had a nicer name.

Recently, I have started to “get use to” my name.  I’ve started to accept it in this past year.  I’m not really sure what changed, but in talking with my mother about what she knew about my childhood and feeling sympathy for what she has lived with all these years, I’ve started to realize that it wasn’t me who was ugly.  It was my grandfather who was ugly.  The childhood I had was ugly, but the child was not.

It seems to be getting easier and easier to say my name, think about my name and be proud of my name.  Still I  must remain anonymous until after my mother is gone.  That could be one month, one year or ten years.

My mother, as much as I despised her growing up, I feel sorry for the life she lived.  She was such a negative person and she made it so obvious to me that she blamed having kids for her crappy life.  I don’t think she meant to, but she did.  Her life wasn’t crappy to anyone else, but she blamed getting married and having kids for her “poor me” life.  My dad provided the best he could, he loved my mom and the kids with all his heart.  She didn’t see that part of it.  She got married to get out of the house, away from her own childhood hell.  She got out of that, just to be tied down with kids and would never be rich.  I can see now, how much hell she must have gone through when she knew I was being sexually abused.  Not only did she have to live with that, she couldn’t protect me and I was one more thing she needed to be ashamed of.  I think, once I knew why she thought her life was so crappy, I understood why she talked to me the way she did.

Funny, isn’t it?  Now I actually am starting to like my name and I can’t use it here because I am anonymous.  I don’t think I need for my mother to find out I am writing about her father, her life, her negative self and what she thought was crappy, the abuse.  She was ashamed all her life so I am not going to add to it.  I have actually forgiven her (within myself) for not protecting me.  I can understand now why she didn’t, why she couldn’t.  I have waited this many years to write about it, I can wait a few more to let people know who I really am.  I don’t particularly want my family to find out either.  I’m sure they would not believe me anyway, after all, they grew up in the same household and never seen any of it.  I don’t know why I am worried, since they wouldn’t read my stuff anyway.  Just in case, I will remain annonymous.  My mother does not have to feel any more shame.  She quite often says she is so stupid.  I’m sure she was told as a child, it was her fault things happened to her.  It only makes sense that she would think it was my fault things happened to me.  She was uneducated and only knew what she was told.

These days when I talk to her on the phone, she is a bit confused about things.  Alzheimer’s or dementia is starting to kick in.  She always says she is stupid and I correct her.  I tell her that just because she doesn’t know how to do something or can’t remember, doesn’t mean she is stupid.

I am debating if I should actually tell her I forgive her for not protecting me, but what if she then feels worse because she will really feel like it is her fault?  Maybe she would feel better knowing that I don’t blame her but it is in her nature to think the negative way.  I’m pretty sure she would feel worse.  I’ll just have to think about it until the next time I see her.  Then I will decide whether to leave it alone or forgive her in person.  Do I really want to go there?  Do I really want or need to bring it up to her at her age?

I do like who I am today.  I am not anonymous because of my mental illness.  I am annonymous for the sake of my mother.  I will remain, unknown for now, thank you for reading, feel free to comment.

I’m Frazzled Again.

46 thoughts on “My name was ugly, just like me!

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  1. Hahah I wonder what your name is! My guess would be a caitlin or Megan – I don’t know why they just popped into my head aha! But I used to hate mine too – I think it is rather natural as a child (mine was because I didn’t like someone with the same name!)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Although we can’t choose our names,our parents or birthplace, it’s our attitude towards it all that matters, and I am happy to see you liking your name anew, and I hope you find the best approach in your reconciliation with your mother and wish that the rest of your life is filled with joy and positive experiences so great it erases whatever came before , and keep frazzling 👍🏻

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. I am not a big reader of novels and books, just because I cannot stay focused. I re-read again and again and still don’t know what I’ve read. Blogging posts are usually perfect lengths for me to read and to write. I can manage 5 min. Of reading.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. So sad story, i hate when bad things happen to good people.You can’t change the past,or your relationship with your mother.Too bad we can’t erase our memories and all events which we dislike.I hope your future is going to be full of joy,health and love.Because you deserve so much love .And by the way i will change my name into yours 🙂 .

    Liked by 2 people

  4. In life….. It’s sure no one is born with a bed of roses….. I am glad you are starting to like your name…… It’s means you are at the acceptance stage…. You are starting to love yourself which is very important because self-love first before you can extend it to your spouse and kids latter in life….. Your childhood tales are quite challenging.. But you should only let it make you stronger……”What doesn’t kill you make you stronger”…… Be a better person than your mum….. And don’t ever be ashamed of your name.. It’s your brand and your identity…..

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I was never in favor of my full name, it always sounded so stuffy, and standoffish to me. Rebecca just seemed so overly formal, that’s why I always went by my nickname. It seemed to fit my personality better.
    If you’re that unhappy with your name, see if you can change it up to a nickname. Just a thought. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel so sad to read your story. Seems like you’ve spent a lot of time thinking over your pain and your mothers too. I imagine your name would be lovely simply because of the person you are (not what happened to you). Do what makes YOU feel better, trust yourself. you are brave just for speaking about it. Wish you the very best x

    Like

  7. No one is ugly
    can I know your name ?
    Second I want to hug you for what you went through I mean sexual abuse remember your not alone I am with you and its so brave to share your story infront of everyone here it takes guts and you have that
    I know parents sometimes do things they should not do its sad

    Liked by 1 person

  8. No one is ugly
    can I know your name ?
    Second I want to hug you for what you went through I mean sexual abuse remember your not alone I am with you and its so brave to share your story infront of everyone here it takes guts and you have that
    I know parents sometimes do things they should not do

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  9. I love your name! Thank you for sharing it. I always wanted to be called Annie (my middle name is Ann). I never liked Barb, but I’m used to it.

    I’m glad you’ve forgiven your mother. I’m working on that, and once it happens, I won’t be able to tell her because she’s dead. But forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, for inner peace. Obviously, you should do what feels right for you, as far as whether you should tell her.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. It will be more difficult for you, since she’s not here for you to find out more about her home life as a child. That’s where my forgiveness started. Once she confirmed to me that her father had tried to assault her, I felt less anger and more compassion. She didn’t admit that he actually managed to assault her, but I can’t imagine that she would have turned out the way she did, if he had just tried. Your situation is different than mine though so hopefully, you will come to forgive. It took me 57 years.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Even if she was here, she kept everything close to the belt. It would have been interesting to know what her childhood was like, though. I have a feeling she may have grown up too soon. She was the oldest of 6, and I suspect she may have had to care for her younger siblings.

      In other news, I’ve tagged you on the TMI Tag post. If you don’t want to do it, no worries, but here’s the link: http://barbnatividadblog.com/2018/02/06/tmi-tag/

      Like

      1. If she had to look after her siblings when she was younger, it makes sense that she does not want to be tied down later. I know it really isnt an excuse, after all she chose to have a child, but she probably needed time to do what shew anted to do since she couldn’t when she was looking after sublings. All in good time, you’ll come around.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. My name, Gwen (Gwendolyn, actually) was “weird.” I wanted to be a Kathy or a Suzie or a “something normal.” I’ve now grown into my name — I’m original, my own self, definitely not plain. I have a feeling that a lot of us ladies didn’t like our names growing up, but grew into them in due course.

    My mother is THE most negative person in my life. She makes it hard to be positive while being around her and causes a lot of problems within the family. I love my mother, but I rarely like her. It sucks to say, much less to live with. I’m with you, anonymous lady. ((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

      1. As long as you are not verbally or physically abusive to your kids, you don’t suck as a parent. You may not be perfect but no one is. Just make sure you tell them you love them and give them a hug once in a while…whether they want it or not lol!

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Wow! Here you are keeping your name a secret and I’m keeping everyone else’s name a secret even though most of them are dead. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I can’t imagine how tough it must be to battle through/ past that life experience. I just want to say that IF you think it would help you to tell your mom what you want then I think you should absolutely do it before it’s too late. You deserve to do what’s in your best interest in that situation. If you don’t believe it won’t help you in any way and you think it will hurt her then don’t. There is no right or wrong answer but don’t sell yourself short for her sake. Do what you need to do for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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