I often wished I could wear a mask all the time, so no one could see me. In reality, there was nothing wrong with the way I looked, but of course I thought there was. I always thought I was ugly. These days I don’t give it much thought, but back in grade school and high school, gosh, I really wanted to wear a mask. How crazy is that? I would still be the same person, wouldn’t I?
In the privacy of my own bedroom, if no one was in the house and could hear me, I would sing. I would not sing loud, heaven forbid, should someone ever hear me! I wanted to be able to get on stage and sing in front of people like other singers did. I didn’t think I was a good singer, but I could carry a tune, or at least I though I could. I had no way of knowing really. I wouldn’t even sing in front of my own mother.
I pictured myself quite often, standing behind a stage curtain and singing. I would think, “Okay, if no one can see me, maybe they will like me.” Maybe they will clap for me. Years later, in my twenties, I gave it a shot. There was a singing contest and I got the courage to go. Of course, I had to take my nerve pill, then when I got to the bar I had about three drinks. I wasn’t a big drinker so those drinks definitely gave me a buzz. I was almost drunk. It was my turn to go up on stage. I got up there and it was like I had no drinks in my system, like I hadn’t taken a nerve pill. My hands were shaking, I was sweating, My voice was squeaky. Somehow I came in third and someone said I might have come in first if they could actually hear me. It would be years, at least 10 before I gave it another shot. Eventually believe it or not, after I met the man who would change my life, I did become a professional singer. I never did get great at it. I never got over thinking I wasn’t good at it, I wasn’t pretty enough, but I continued to try, for almost ten years. I just couldn’t get past whatever made me feel I wasn’t good enough. I gave it up after while, but I’m glad I did it.
I would love to be able to wear a costume all the time, not so much now, but in high school, it would have been the cat’s meow. Costume with a mask so no one could see whatever it was I thought I had to hide. It makes me so sad to think about that now. Why on earth did I feel so ugly? I thought the moment someone looked at me, they could tell I was different, not in a good way. I do still feel that way sometimes, but not too much anymore. I have to be pretty anxious now to focus on how unattractive I am. Actually, I don’t even feel unattractive anymore. Notice I can’t say I am attractive, but I can say I am not unattractive. It is definitely a play on words, but hey, whatever works.
I also wondered if I had gone to a school where I had to wear a uniform that was the same as everyone else wore, would I have felt less different? Probably not. It wasn’t just my clothes. It was my whole being. My husband quite often says to me, “I don’t know how you survived?” I often wondered that myself, I chalk it up to being too afraid of dying. I was afraid of everything.
I am so glad I am passed all that negative stuff, most of the time. It makes a person’s life so much better, to get rid of all the negative stuff. Surround yourself with positive people and people who make you feel good.
Do you sometimes wish you could wear a costume to hide yourself? Please share your thoughts, I would love to hear them.
I’m Frazzled Again.
photo from http://www.pixabay.com