I was invisible as a child – Some said I was shy, but…

via Daily Prompt: Invisible

Good evening everyone!  I do hope you are keeping well.  I bet you are even better now that spring is here!!!  Greenery is sprouting up everywhere!

I am from a very large family, so it is not surprising that I didn’t get the attention I needed back then.  I was invisible.  I can’t imagine how my mother ever looked after seven kids with only one or two years between each one.  I was quite angry with her for years for feeling neglected and criticized.  How would I have done in that situation?  I don’t think I would have done nearly as well.  I mean, she didn’t kill any of us, although I’m sure the thought entered her head at times.  I am so much  more understanding of her situation these days, and not so resentful.  Thank goodness, because she is in her 80’s and doesn’t need to feel as lonely as she does right now.  With all her children still alive and well, she should have plenty of company, but she doesn’t.  It’s almost like SHE is now invisible.  My how the tide has turned.  I do not wish this for her.  She did have a tough life.  No one looked after her kids so her and dad could go out.  She was stuck in the house, year after year.  She did complain about it though, she made it known that she couldn’t do anything because she was tied down with kids and a husband.  Well, it’s no one’s fault but her own, yet she tried to lay the blame.  I was resentful for that as well, although I am not anymore.

Let’s get back to INVISIBLE.  Part of the reason I was invisible is because of my “shyness.”  I was always considered shy, when in fact I wasn’t shy.  I really wanted to be part of conversations, but I had too much anxiety.  There is a big difference between being shy and being anxious.  My anxiety was a mental condition but I didn’t know it at the time.  I did not know that other people were like this and that there was help.  I did not know this until I was in my late twenties.  Anxious because I was afraid I would say something wrong or stupid.  I developed depression and psychosis later on too.  Thank goodness I got help for that.

Even though I felt invisible most of the first half of my life, there were times that I was clearly visible when I wish I wasn’t.  The times someone touched me when they shouldn’t.  The times people criticized me, laughed at me.   It is amazing that I lived through it, there were times when I wish I had the courage to commit suicide but I was afraid of dying so it wasn’t an option.

How can so many people feel invisible, depressed, anxious without other people knowing?  We get very good at hiding what we don’t want people to know.  It is no one else’s fault they didn’t see we have these awful emotions, even if they were the ones who caused them.

How many people realized that Robin Williams had depression?  Oh my gosh!  The whole world was stunned when he committed suicide.  Most people with depression cannot laugh so much, but if you think back, he wasn’t really the one laughing.  He made the rest of us laugh.  I wonder how often he felt invisible even though he was in the spotlight all the time?

Doesn’t that give us something to think about?  We must tell ourselves not to be so afraid of being seen and heard.  We are as important, worthy and useful as anyone else.

I’m Frazzled Again.

Thank you for reading.

https://rantandreason.com/2018/03/21/i-was-invisible-as-a-child-some-said-i-was-shy-but/

photo by pixabay.com

19 thoughts on “I was invisible as a child – Some said I was shy, but…

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  1. This is wonderful… My Mum sadly went through the same. She passed on her own neglect sadly… My sister and I tried to be there though but in the end it took her. I am glad you still have your Mum and you understand all this. Thanks for sharing. Sending you a big hug. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you. I do still have her but she is 3000 miles away. I was home in Sept. maybe again this Sept. That’s it isn’t it? We elarn all the negative and conflicts from our mother or other i fluences. We take the negative shit on, even though it is not ours.

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  3. Another thing I am thinking about after reading this is how my Mum always said she was a shy person but the real reason was her Dad died when she was only 7 and she had no one to help her grow her connection and confidence. Our poor Mums did the very best they could with what they knew.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It’s true. I felt so helpless and hopeless as a child but I think my mom felt more helpless. It makes me sad to think about it now. It wasnt our fault we didn’t know what their needs were, right? We would not have been able to supply their needs. We must let that guilt go. I’m just starting too.

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  5. I understand you completely,i feel so sorry for what you have been through.We can’t erase our past,we can only conclude good and bad actions from that period.

    I was a shy kid too like you.Until my age of 6 i was very relaxed,calm and big of the talker in bigger company.Some problems at home lead to became shy and not much of a talker in school.Actually i always wanted to say so much things in front of everyone,but having a “father” who always needed to be right for everything about,i back up when someone was more aggressive or louder than i am.Of course with years i became more brave,and now i think i can talk in front of the million people in front of me.

    People consider shy or introvert people like freaks,strange or boring to bee with.Actually it is not true.We are all created to be different,to understand and do some things and other things not.Shy and introvert people are good as others only they are little bit afraid nothing much.

    Big kiss for you 🙂 .

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  6. I was the second eldest of six children growing up in a three bedroom apartment. Three boys to a room and three girls to a room and believe me we were privileged when compared to some families. I remember my brothers feet sticking in my face as I tried to sleep and lots of fights because of so many siblings in a confined area. You’re blog brought back memories.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds like how I felt when we were travelling to the east coast, eight of us in a station wagon for about 13 hours. It is amazing how that memory is one of my favourites. I think It is the only time I didn’t feel alone. Other than that, I shared a double bed with my sister who wet the bed and sometimes I would go to bed smelling like pee.

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  7. My family was large too but not as large as yours…I’m the fifth of sixth kids. We’ve all got different personalities and we’re all in different places with our relationships with Mom. Mom’s 91 now and time is running out. I’m glad you can see your Mom in a different light now. Sounds like you overcame a tough childhood. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Frazzled, I am the oldest of 8 so I can so relate to your story. I grew up so angry and bitter because like you, I did not get the attention I needed. Later in life, through my own life experiences, I came to understand a great deal more why my Mom acted the way she did. Some of the things no, were not right that she did, yet to be pregnant year after year, in charge of so many underfoot, married to an alcoholic who was never home and when he was managed to get her pregnant …. I don’t know how she did what she did. I came to Love her so much at the end of her life. And I’m the better person for it. We do NOT have to be what our Mothers taught us to be. It is possible to change. Hard? You bet! But it IS possible! (((HUGS))) 💖💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes AmyRose. Me too. My fayher was an alcoholic for the first six years of my life, then quit cold turkey and became United Penticostal holy roller. I have also grown to love them, my dad has been gone for about 17 years.

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