Good evening everyone! I do hope you are keeping well. I bet you are even better now that spring is here!!! Greenery is sprouting up everywhere!
I am from a very large family, so it is not surprising that I didn’t get the attention I needed back then. I was invisible. I can’t imagine how my mother ever looked after seven kids with only one or two years between each one. I was quite angry with her for years for feeling neglected and criticized. How would I have done in that situation? I don’t think I would have done nearly as well. I mean, she didn’t kill any of us, although I’m sure the thought entered her head at times. I am so much more understanding of her situation these days, and not so resentful. Thank goodness, because she is in her 80’s and doesn’t need to feel as lonely as she does right now. With all her children still alive and well, she should have plenty of company, but she doesn’t. It’s almost like SHE is now invisible. My how the tide has turned. I do not wish this for her. She did have a tough life. No one looked after her kids so her and dad could go out. She was stuck in the house, year after year. She did complain about it though, she made it known that she couldn’t do anything because she was tied down with kids and a husband. Well, it’s no one’s fault but her own, yet she tried to lay the blame. I was resentful for that as well, although I am not anymore.
Let’s get back to INVISIBLE. Part of the reason I was invisible is because of my “shyness.” I was always considered shy, when in fact I wasn’t shy. I really wanted to be part of conversations, but I had too much anxiety. There is a big difference between being shy and being anxious. My anxiety was a mental condition but I didn’t know it at the time. I did not know that other people were like this and that there was help. I did not know this until I was in my late twenties. Anxious because I was afraid I would say something wrong or stupid. I developed depression and psychosis later on too. Thank goodness I got help for that.
Even though I felt invisible most of the first half of my life, there were times that I was clearly visible when I wish I wasn’t. The times someone touched me when they shouldn’t. The times people criticized me, laughed at me. It is amazing that I lived through it, there were times when I wish I had the courage to commit suicide but I was afraid of dying so it wasn’t an option.
How can so many people feel invisible, depressed, anxious without other people knowing? We get very good at hiding what we don’t want people to know. It is no one else’s fault they didn’t see we have these awful emotions, even if they were the ones who caused them.
How many people realized that Robin Williams had depression? Oh my gosh! The whole world was stunned when he committed suicide. Most people with depression cannot laugh so much, but if you think back, he wasn’t really the one laughing. He made the rest of us laugh. I wonder how often he felt invisible even though he was in the spotlight all the time?
Doesn’t that give us something to think about? We must tell ourselves not to be so afraid of being seen and heard. We are as important, worthy and useful as anyone else.
I’m Frazzled Again.
Thank you for reading.
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